Let's get rid of the idea that not knowing what you want in bed is a problem to be fixed.

In a world where sexual satisfaction is often framed as knowing exactly what you want in bed, many women feel a nagging sense that something must be “wrong” with them if they can’t articulate their sexual desires.

Katherine Angel, in her book Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again, offers a different perspective: not knowing exactly what you want in bed isn’t a problem.

In fact it’s completely normal.

And simply acknowledging this and learning in to it could be exactly what’s needed to spark sexual desire. Let me explain….

The Pressure to Know

Many of us feel an immense pressure to “know” what we want in the bedroom. 

Cultural narratives encourage women to be sexually empowered- confident, vocal, and certain in what they want.

And on the surface, this sounds liberating- after all, many women are socialized to care for others first, so embracing our sexual wants can feel revolutionary.

Yet, this expectation also creates an impossible bind.

When women don’t “just know” what they want, they risk judgment- they may be seen as sexually closed down, lacking in confidence or inhibited.

At the same time, expressing desire can invite critique for being too forwards or too promiscuous. The standards are contradictory.

In addition, society demands women both know and clearly articulate their desires, however what we know from research is that sexual desire is often emergent, fluid, and context-dependent. 

Katherine Angel highlights exactly this tension in her book- the cultural script tells us that sexual self-knowledge equals good sex, but in reality desire rarely works like a static checklist.

The pressure to perform self-knowledge often clashes with the reality of how desire actually works.

To add to this, resources like sexual “menus” or lists of likes and dislikes can be helpful tools to explore what brings us pleasure and offer a way of finding out what we want. However they can also reinforce the idea that not knowing is a flaw to be fixed, leaving us filled with anxiety and shame.

Desire Isn’t Always Clear or Immediate

The issue with the expectation that women should know what they want in bed (e.g. knowing their own desires) is that desire for some women is not always immediate or obvious. 

Many women experience what researchers call “responsive desire”- arousal that emerges slowly, shaped by context, emotion, and connection. It isn’t always instant, or easily verbalized.

Expecting immediate clarity on what you want in bed ignores how desire naturally unfolds and adds pressure that can block arousal- and ultimately affect pleasure.

Allow Desire to Unfold

Instead of thinking of “what you want in bed” as a static thing you either know or don’t, or a pre-packaged truth waiting to be uncovered, Angel encourages us to see desire as a dynamic, unfolding process.

Desire can shift, expand, or retreat depending on the intimacy, trust, mood, and connection.  Sexual desire, for many women, can develop in the moment rather than existing as a static truth. 

Importantly, it often takes shape in the very act of relating to another person. So if you’re sitting alone wondering why you don’t know exactly what you want in bed- meaning you also struggle to tell your partner what you want- that uncertainty is normal. Because your desire for what you want will only exist and evolve as each moment of a sexual act unfolds (whether alone or partnered).

Desire is then relational, emergent, and shaped as part of a shared experience that very much comes alive and picks up speed as the sexual experience develops. 

From Self-Knowledge to Vulnerability

The key difference here is  a shift in perspective. 

Rather than demanding that women arrive at sex with perfectly articulated self-knowledge, we might see desire as a process of mutual discovery.

Instead of what we want being something static and pre-defined, it changes and grows through exploration, curiosity and connection. In reality, sexual desires can change over time too; what one person craves in one moment may differ in another, and change from partner to partner. 

“Feelings, sensations, and desires can lie dormant until brought into being by those around us. We need to be able to allow this, too; we need not to fight so hard against our own porousness, our own malleability.” ― Katherine Angel, Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent

Instead of aiming for this idea of perfect self-knowledge, instead we could choose to lean in to uncertainty-  letting go of the "need to know" what you want, and instead allowing space for desire to emerge. Stepping into the idea that it's OK not to know, without fear or judgment, can open the door to new experiences and possibilities that can enhance our intimacy and invite us into new and everchanging self-knowing.

Crucially this also involves vulnerability. Having the courage to explore and experiment with a partner or alone, and try to let go of the need to perform. Doing so allows us to focus on the sensations and emotions that arise during intimate moments, building trust and connection, making our sexual encounters richer and more fulfilling.

“Desire isn't always there to be known. Vulnerability is the state that makes its discovery possible.” ― Katherine Angel, Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent

A More Nuanced Future

Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again is ultimately a call for nuance. 

The belief that we must know exactly what we want in bed to enjoy good sex is limiting. True sexual freedom, Angel suggests, isn’t about always knowing- it’s about allowing ourselves not to know, and trusting that intimacy can be pleasurable and deeply human in that space of discovery.

Ultimately, Angel invites a shift: to see desire not as a checklist of things we must know, but as a living, unfolding energy that can guide us toward more intimacy, pleasure, and freedom if only we accept the invitation to explore.

So, the next time you feel pressured to define your desires, consider the value of uncertainty. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, communicate openly, and explore together or alone. You may discover that the most fulfilling experiences arise from moments of surprise, uncertainty, and shared discovery.

“Working out what we want is a life's work, and it has to be done over and over and over. The joy may lie in it never being done.”― Katherine Angel, Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent

If you want to read more, Katherine Angel’s Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again is a must-read. It explores a lot more about desire, and touches on consent, #MeToo, and the power of vulnerability in sexual relationships.

✨ If this post resonates with you, take a moment to reflect: How do you relate to the idea of desire as something that evolves in the moment rather than can be known and defined? I’d love to hear what this brought up for you- leave a comment below or send me an email to continue the conversation✨.